June and July... Epic journeys, water babies, and postpartum depression... Part 1

It's been about six weeks since I wrote and much has happened.  For simplicity's sake, let's go chronologically.

In mid-June the wheels came off the wagon with regard to my postpartum issues.  I've struggled with postpartum anxiety and depression since the cherubs were born.  I kept thinking I just needed a few good nights of sleep and a little relief from the hormones of breast feeding.  Then I finished weaning and my hormones CRASHED, epically crashed.

 I went from controlling my anxiety and depression (with effort, but still controlling) to crying when my husband left for work and obsessively searching the house for insects (we don't have a bug problem, it's just my trigger).  I struggled on my own for a week or so before I went to my doctor and got help.  I didn't want to start medication, but I needed help to be present and available for my family.  I'm so glad I did it.  After a week or so things started to level out and I started feeling like myself. 

I also gave myself permission to do things the easy way.  There's nothing wrong with whole grain toast and canned peaches for breakfast if the cherubs will eat it without throwing it on the floor.  Letting them watch an episode of Super Why at 5:30 in the evening every once in a while when I just need a few minutes to make dinner in peace is not going to rot out their brains.  Homemade smoothies might be ideal, but handing them a pouch of organic fruit and veggie purée is a perfectly nutritious snack.

I don't have to be a perfect mom, just a good one.  It's ok to fall short of my ideal goals, including the goal that I wouldn't need any medications to snap out of the anxiety and depression.  Being a mom is the best thing I have ever done.  The joys it has brought me are indescribable.  It is also the hardest thing I have ever done.  It involves exhaustion, frustration and isolation; and it is ok to need help.

To be continued...

P.S. The next entry is more cheerful.

P.P.S.  Pinterest, WebMD, and Google are the arch enemies of my sanity and self-esteem.

Resolutions for my daughter (and my son)

We are going to a wedding in 10 days, all four of us.  My little ones are fourteen months old and this will be their second wedding, but this time they get to attend the reception as well.  I love when small children are included in wedding invitations.  I understand that some people want a formal, elegant and grown-up affair and that's fine.  For me, weddings are about family and celebration and no one celebrates more joyfully than small children.  We had tons of kids at our wedding and while we had a few interesting moments because of them (my husband's cousin ate the frosting off the back of the groom's cake, my cousin ate too many marshmallows and threw up in the men's room), they made it a very joyful day.

Anyway, the point is that we are going to a wedding.  This requires formal clothing.  My husband is set, he has suits to choose from and lots of really nice ties.  My kiddos are set.  As long as they show up wearing mostly clean clothes people will proclaim their cuteness.  Plus they have some adorable coordinating outfits.  I, on the other hand, am having a hard time with my wardrobe.  

I had grand plans of getting back to the gym after the bambinos were born.  I had grand plans of eating carefully and sensibly every day.  I had grand plans of losing all the baby weight in the first year. None of these things happened.  Babies take a lot of naps and nursing gives you breasts so large that no sports bra can contain them.  Eating sensibly is easier said than done when you are exhausted and slightly depressed.  Some mornings you just need to reheat some chocolate chip pancakes to get through the day.  I'm still 20 pounds over my prepregnancy weight.  Even allowing for the extra muscle mass I've packed on lugging two babies around, I still want to lose 10-15 pounds.

As a result of all this, some of my old clothes fit and some do not.  Even the ones that fit don't fit the way they used to fit.  I've been assessing my choices for the wedding and I'm mostly unhappy.  My favorite dress is not an option and all of them require serious help from shapewear.  I was berating myself for being fat and unmotivated when I came to the realization that I have a daughter.  She is perfect and she always will be.  I never want her to feel about her stomach the way I felt about mine as I was trying on those dresses.  I don't want her trying fad diets and judging her reflection for every perceived imperfection.  I also don't want my son having negative body image issues about himself, thinking that skinny is the only beautiful for women.  So here are my resolutions for my children...

1.  I will never refer to dieting or say that I'm not eating something because I need to lose weight.  Food choices will be explained based on nutritional reasoning or "Mommy's doesn't feel like having cake."

2.  I will never say that I'm exercising to lose weight.  I will be exercising to stay healthy, get stronger, have fun, etc. 

3.  I will never bad mouth any part of my body.  My bulky thighs, those give me the strength I need to haul myself and 45+ pounds of child up off the floor, out to the car, etc.  My squishy stomach, that held 12 pounds and 6 ounces of baby, plus their little life support systems.  My stretch marks, well, I can't think of anything nice to say about them yet, so I won't say anything at all.  I'll work on it, though.

4.  I will never ask if I look fat in clothes.  An outfit might not be flattering on me, but I won't say it makes me look fat.

5.  I will accept all compliments unconditionally.  Women tend to be terrible at taking compliments and I think it just perpetuates so many body image issues.  When someone tells me I look nice (especially my husband or children) I will say "Thank you."

6.  I will endeavor to compliment my children based on their non-physical attributes more than they are complimented on their physical appearance.  This will be hard because my kids are cute and random strangers stop me in the store to tell me this.  I'm going to try to offset all those appearance-based compliments with other praise.

There's six to start.  I'm sure I will come up with more, but I think I'm off to a good start.  I don't want my baby girl (or my baby boy) to spend their youth criticizing their own bodies and trying to cover up perceived flaws.  Hopefully this will set them on the right path.  

Here's some random baby love.  

Parenthood training exercises!

Lots of people ask if I felt prepared to have twins.  The answer is "no."  I think most parents would tell you that they did not feel prepared before they had children.  If you'd like to do some training exercises to prepare yourself for twins (or one baby), you're in luck.  My next few posts will give you the practice you need to feel prepared for whatever comes your way.

Mealtime:

Invite two loved ones over for dinner, preferably people whose welfare genuinely concerns you.

Carefully prepare a nutritious meal and dice it into pinky fingernail sized pieces.

Arrange on three child sized plates and present two of these to your guests.

Sit down and begin eating the meal on your plate.  Do this without looking at your plate.  Instead let your eyes dart back and forth between your dinner guests, keeping tabs on their food consumption and swooping in to prevent plate throwing.

Have your guests smash their food into an abstract art composition while eating no more than 5 bites.

After 5 minutes, guests should begin tossing bits of food on the floor, at this point cheerfully encourage them to "take a taste" or "have a bite" while taking exaggerated bites from your own plate.

After 10 minutes guests should have either thrown all food on the floor or hidden it in their laps.  They should then begin pulling at your clothes and person with their sticky and drool covered hands (did I mention that your guests should drool into their plates, rendering any non-floor leftovers unfit for human consumption?)

Using a warm wet washcloth, clean guests hands and faces.  At this point guests should scream like you've come at them with sandpaper.  When hands are clean, they should pull out the bits of food they hid in their laps and smear them on their faces. After cleaning hands and faces again, guests should look at you like you have offended them to their very core. 

Escort your guests from the table.  At this point they should look at you like you just hung the moon and give you a hug of the sort people get at airports after long trips.

While the final step is rewarding, the whole process can be trying.  It is important to maintain a positive attitude throughout, especially when guests rub macaroni and cheese in your hair or try to stick peas up their noses.

Stay tuned for more exercises

Let's try this again

I stopped blogging about six months ago. My excuse is that I was too exhausted for higher functions. I managed to fight my way through the haze of exhaustion for the first six months because I assumed that at some point my angels would start sleeping through the night on their own. They did not. Instead, they went from sleeping for six hour stretches at least once per night to sleeping three hours or less at a time. Grown-ups are not meant to function like this for more than six months. I gradually became less and less capable of adult thought. Finally, at eight months I put my foot down. We were done eating at night. The kitchen of Caroline was closed from 8pm to 5am.

So we stopped eating at night, but we did not stay asleep all night. Every so often I would get a really good night. I would get to sleep six or seven hours without interruption. Unfortunately these were few and far between. Life seemed to be a series of colds, coughs, teething, visits and other things that interrupted baby sleep. Things seem to be settling out now and I'm occasionally getting a seven hour night.

Anyway, the cherubs are one year old now and I have survived the infancy period. I'm going to try blogging again. Here's a photo of the little ones...

Full Grown Babies

It's been awhile since I posted about Little Man and Honeybun, but here's an update. We are six months old now and things are changing constantly.

Little Man is 19 pounds and has two teeth. He's trying really hard at crawling and could sit up on his own if he would just hold still for a few minutes.

Honeybun is 15 1/2 pounds and has one tooth. She sits up pretty well, but isn't really trying to crawl yet. She's more than happy to let us carry her everywhere.

We are eating solid foods twice each day. Honeybun loves her veggies and fruits and cereal, but Little Man is not interested. Life is much more interesting these days. We're hoping to sleep through the night soon.

Here's a picture of Little Man and Honeybun after dinner.

Before and after children...

Time change:
Before children - "Hey, let's stay up late doing something fun, we get an extra hour to sleep!"
After children - "Oh crap, the danger zone right before bedtime is an hour longer."

Someone you care about is vomiting:
Before children - "I'm so sorry. Can I get you some Gatorade or saltines?"
After children - "Ahhhh... Other child is in the splash zone and just had a bath! Must use own body as shield to keep non-puking child, carpet, bed, etc. clean!"

Long relaxing shower:
Before children - "I'm feeling stressed, I think I'll take a long relaxing shower. I'll be back in 20 minutes."
After children - "My head is about to explode from stress, I think I'll take a long relaxing shower. I'll be back in 5 minutes."

Beach Babies

We're at the beach this week! One thing I have learned about going on a beach vacation with babies: you see a lot more sunrises!

My sister and I are at the beach with Little Man and Honeybun. The rest of the family will be joining us later in the week. For now it's just the two of us.

We took the babies down to see the ocean for the first time. Little Man liked it from a distance, but was not a fan of dipping his toes. Honeybun was more open to the whole experience, but still not really sure. Maybe they'll warm up to it later in the week.