In mid-June the wheels came off the wagon with regard to my postpartum issues. I've struggled with postpartum anxiety and depression since the cherubs were born. I kept thinking I just needed a few good nights of sleep and a little relief from the hormones of breast feeding. Then I finished weaning and my hormones CRASHED, epically crashed.
I went from controlling my anxiety and depression (with effort, but still controlling) to crying when my husband left for work and obsessively searching the house for insects (we don't have a bug problem, it's just my trigger). I struggled on my own for a week or so before I went to my doctor and got help. I didn't want to start medication, but I needed help to be present and available for my family. I'm so glad I did it. After a week or so things started to level out and I started feeling like myself.
I also gave myself permission to do things the easy way. There's nothing wrong with whole grain toast and canned peaches for breakfast if the cherubs will eat it without throwing it on the floor. Letting them watch an episode of Super Why at 5:30 in the evening every once in a while when I just need a few minutes to make dinner in peace is not going to rot out their brains. Homemade smoothies might be ideal, but handing them a pouch of organic fruit and veggie purée is a perfectly nutritious snack.
I don't have to be a perfect mom, just a good one. It's ok to fall short of my ideal goals, including the goal that I wouldn't need any medications to snap out of the anxiety and depression. Being a mom is the best thing I have ever done. The joys it has brought me are indescribable. It is also the hardest thing I have ever done. It involves exhaustion, frustration and isolation; and it is ok to need help.
To be continued...
P.S. The next entry is more cheerful.
P.P.S. Pinterest, WebMD, and Google are the arch enemies of my sanity and self-esteem.
